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Chell vs. Banarnar vs. General Grievous vs. Mr. E
This is the second battle written in the year of the optometrist. Hopefully not the last, though you never know. The Announcer: 'Harry Potter '''The Referee: '''Ronald Weasley '''The Predictor: '''Hermione Granger Before the Battle ''In the ARFP Cafeteria... '''Toxikita: '''Amset-Ra doesn't value my services. I slave over his food, mix in my secret essential acids, and he claims he gets indigestion from them! '''Gourmet 'Chef: '''Uh-huh. '''Toxikita: '''The nerve of ancient Egyptian Pharaohs who don't like my poisons! '''Gourmet Chef: '''Uh-huh. '''Toxikita: '''I'll teach him a lesson! I'll show Amset-Ra that no one out-poisons the radioactive criminal mastermind! '''Gourmet Chef: '''Uh-huh. '''Toxikita: '''Are you listening? '''Gourmet Chef: '''Uh-huh. '''Toxikita: '''Good. '''Gourmet Chef: '''Uh-huh. ''Later that day... 'Toxikita: '''What would you like for your 23rd breakfast, Amset-Ra? '''Amset-Ra: '''Do you have three scoops of double chocolate chunk ice cream with extra chocolate sauce? '''Toxikita: '''We only have banana ice cream left. You ate all of the other ice cream already. '''Amset-Ra: '''Fine. Banana ice cream it is. ''In the kitchens... 'Toxikita: '''I'm sooooooooooo over this job. I'd admit that being head chef has its perks, but trying to appease and bottomless gorge of ice cream sundaes, Big Macs, and Subway Footlongs is nigh impossible. No one appreciates my cooking talent. I didn't go to the Aprender a Cocinar School of Cooking for nothing. '???: 'I appreciate you. '''Toxikita: '''Who's that? '???: 'Nobody. '''Toxikita: '''I met a Nobody once. Very dull. His favorite color was grey. Lived on a yellow submarine. '???: 'I'm not ''a nobody. I'm Nobody. 'Toxikita: '''What type of name is Nobody? You need a name. '???: 'I've never had a name before. '''Toxikita: '''What are your parent's names? '???: 'I don't know. '''Toxikita: '''They never told you? '???: 'They couldn't speak. '''Toxikita: '''Really? '???: 'I was the first of my kind to talk. In fact, I only learned how to speak today. '''Toxikita: '''Hold the bucket of nuclear warheads. '???: 'Huh? '''Toxikita: '''You're banana ice cream! '???: 'Please don't feed me to that slob! '''Toxikita: '''Don't worry. I won't. '???: 'Thank you. '''Toxikita: '''You need a name. It's getting really annoying to type in "???" every time I want to speak to you. ''The fourth wall in the cafeteria crumbles and crushes the bowl that the banana ice cream is in. 'Toxikita: '''Oh no! Your bowl broke. Here! I'll pick you up. ''Toxikita tries to pick the banana ice cream, though it slips out of her hands. '???: '''Help me! I'm melting! I'm melting! '''Wicked Witch: '''Hey! That's my line! '''Toxikita: '''Can you help us, Wicked Witch? '''Wicked Witch: '''I can. For a price. '''Toxikita: '''What? I'll do anything. ''A symphony starts playing. The lights dim. A spotlight shines on Toxikita. 'Wicked Witch: '''Repeat after me. '''Toxikita: '''Repeat after me. '''Wicked Witch: '''No, not that! '''Toxikita: '''No, not that! '''WIcked Witch: '''Grrrr! Forget about it! '''Toxikita: '''Grrrr! Forget about it! '''Wicked Witch: '''STOP COPYING ME! '''Toxikita: '''STOP COPY- oh. Sorry. '''Wicked Witch: '''What do you want me to do? '''Toxikita: '''I need you to save this banana ice cream. '''Wicked Witch: '''Come again? '???: 'I'm melting! '''Wicked Witch: '''Fine. Queen of Ice Cream, Prince of Banana Splits, turn this Banana Ice Cream into a creature that is very legit! ''There is a burst of bright light. A bright star swirled around the floor, absorbing the melting essence of ???. In another burst of bright light, a huge brick-built banana stands in the center of the kitchen. 'Wicked Witch: '''My service here is done. Goodbye. ''The Wicked Witch flies off. '???: '''I can walk now! And talk! Hooray! ''??? runs through the cafeteria, enjoying his newfound freedom. 'Toxikita: '''About that name. How about Banarnar. Like Banana. But Banarnar. '''Banarnar: '''B. A-N-A R-N A-R. Banarnar. '''Toxikita: '''I need you to do me a favor. '''Banarnar: '''What? I'll do anything for my creator. ''Banarnar bows to Toxikita. 'Toxikita: '''I need you to fight in the next battle. '''Banarnar: '''Sure! I'll show Amset-Ra that banana ice cream can do more than cause him gastric distress. '''Toxikita: '''Didn't need to know that, but okay. The Battle '''Harry Potter: '''For only 20,000 Gold Bricks, these swag glasses that look like they are from the 1950s can be yours! In four simple installments of 5,000 gold bricks, these glasses will be delivered to your doorstep. '''Amset-Ra: '''What are you doing? My fighting pyramid is not to be turned into some cheap advertising gimmick! '''Hermione Granger: '''In actuality, sir, we are in debt twenty trillion purple studs. We had an advertisement for the next Grundal 5 concert in ages. '''Amset-Ra: '''I knew I never should have let Dumbledore trick me into letting students from Hogwarts intern here... '''Harry Potter: '''Anyways, sir, it's the year of the optometrist. They have a Buy 1 Get 1 Free sale on glasses. Which, from the looks of it, you might need. '''Amset-Ra: '''What did you just say? '''Harry Potter: '''Unfortunately, we don't sell hearing aids. '''Amset-Ra: '''Insolent brat. '''Ron Weasley: '''Has anyone seen my rat? '''Amset-Ra: '''No, I said brat! '''Ron Weasley: '''Who's a brat? '''Amset-Ra: '''Forget about it. '''Harry Potter: '''See! I told you that you need hearing aids. '''Amset-Ra: '''Grrrrr. Just start the battle already. '''Harry Potter: '''This battle is brought to you by the Grundal 5. There new album, Grundalicious, comes out on March 21st. And in the red corner, the savior of our glorious fighting pyramid, and someone who definitely should've been an astronaut. Chell! '''Chell: '''Hello, ladies and gentlemen! It's great to be back. Even greater than backflipping through twenty consecutive portals in anti-gravity. '''Harry Potter: '''Uh... Ok. I'm sure that's pretty great. Moving on... In the green corner, we have a new magical mutant fruit. '''Hermione Granger: '''Uh, actually, that's not possible. Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration clearly states that food cannot be transformed. '''Banarnar: '''And yet, here we are. '''Harry Potter: '''Very true. In the yellow corner, we have a robot with such an inferiority complex that he needs not one, not two, not three, but four lightsabers! '''General Grievous: '''Actually, the Separatists' top engineers are working on giving me double-bladed lightsabers. They say it will increase my killing power by 85%. '''Harry Potter: '''I look forward to that. Well, next up, in the blue corner, we have the leader of an international crime syndicate, recently arrested by the CIA. '''Mr. E: '''Whoever this Cia girl is, I had nothing to do with her. '''Harry Potter: '''Oops. Wrong literary series. You're the guy who resurrected the Lord of Destruction, who then killed you for failing in your mission. Rough. '''Mr. E: '''Rough has nothing do with it. Imagine being torn limb for limb, fully conscious, unable to shut off your pain receptors... '''Harry Potter: '''I don't have pain receptors. '''Mr. E: '''I'm sure I could find them for you. '''Harry Potter: '''Anyways, onto the predictor. '''Hermione Granger: '''Based off the fact that Banarnar is a magical anomaly, I predict the threads of the universe will unravel, and ultimately explode, killing us all. '''Amset-Ra: '''That's not a prediction. Tell me who's going to win. '''Hermione Granger: '''I could travel into the future, but I would need a time machine. ''Someone in the audience stands up. 'The Doctor: '''I could lend you my TARDIS. '''Amset-Ra: '''No! Not the TARDIS! I've had enough of those traitors for many lifetimes. And believe me, my lifetimes are ''long. 'The Doctor: '''I know. I've been reincarnated 14 different times. '''Amset-Ra: '''Guards! Arrest this traitor! ''Death Troopers descend on the Doctor, handcuff her, and bring her to the dungeon. 'Ogel: '''Hello. Fresh meat? '''The Doctor: '''I'm 100% inedible. Taste horrible. '''Ogel: '''Not you! I only eat bloodied orangatangues. '''The Doctor: '''And that is when I know I'm dealing with psychopaths. '''Ogel: '''Takes one to know one. ''Back in the arena...